Tomorrow will define what June will be like. And I’m scared shitless. I got up at 6:30 this morning and everyone knows that’s not normal.
I just want to be able to breathe tomorrow and take it like a big girl. (by big girl I mean, dash to the car after all is said and done and start crying when no one’s looking..)
God I hope I make it.
…is also in me.
Here’s my want list:
1. blue star shoes
2. a dozen set of one year old boy clothes
3. building materials
4. twelve sets of engineering college school uniform
5. 400 complete school backpacks with notebooks, pens, crayons, paper and books
6. cotton shorts sized 30
7. a dozen each of brown, blue, black, gray and white socks
8. sized 29 denim pants
9. more underwear
10. leica m7
11. eastpack back pack in dark blue
12. sony ultra compact digital camera
13. the mushroom dress
14. leica ultra compact
15. airport express
16. more good wine
17. white linen
18. waterproof sneakers
19. black walking shoes
20. sized 36 denim pants
21. dark blue shirts
22. dark brown bikini
23. wristwatch
24. suunto batteries
25. samsung d880 with 2gb micro sd card
26. a perfect bag
27. vader hot air balloon
28. 3D capable PC
29. A3 color printer
30. car
31. van
32. welding machine
33. power tools
34. table forms
There I said it. I just felt like letting it all out. Now if only we can get paid already..then some of the things can be crossed out……
A cup of warm milk and four dark chocolate truffles dunked in it. Give it a stir and sip slooowly.
Swept the blues away like magic.
but is it fair to God that I call Him out when I’m in dire straights? I do thank Him, but I always feel it’s not enough.
Sometimes I don’t even know how I feel about the God up there. I get mad, I cry, I hate Him, I like Him. Who knows what the hormones will bring?
Sometimes I think He’s my outlet - someone to praise and blame as the moment suggests. I can’t even call myself Catholic for all the things I’ve done. Needless to say, I did a whack job trying to grow up so that now I don’t even know what I am to my God.
Does this mean I’m going to hell?
Coiling and uncoiling - but for the most part coiled too tightly it’s beginning to hurt. Half the time I’m not even conscious that I’ve wound myself up too tight until the muscles relax and I realize the pain.
It’s like a big ball of negativity waiting to explode. I’m not even sure if I’m going the right way. In the beginning it all seemed like the signs were pointing this way. Yet, here I am waiting in limbo. Unable to move forward (not until after the 12th anyway) and unable to stop doing what I am doing. What have I gotten myself into?
God, can you please make everything better?
I spent the weekend diving. And during the four dives I was free.
I felt the weight of the world lift from my shoulders. literally and figuratively. I was so far away from all the bad people. let’s make a list shall we?
1. the greedy middleman: he wants the pie all to himself, doesn’t matter to him that we’ve been slaving over it for months now- blood, sweat and tears…..
2. the most demanding client: he wants the services pronto, we’ve delivered, he still hasn’t paid in full and has the audacity to ask for more discount…are services supposed to be free now??
3. the conniver: she is my worst nightmare…twists words like evil little wires..weaving lies and ruining ties..
4. the drama queen: not my burden to bear really. hurts me that the one person she can vent all her frustrations on is Adel. I find her unbearable. I sometimes wish she was dead. (does this make me evil?)
I am so stressed by these people. Can I just send them into a black hole then? Have I become evil in my desperation that I wish one of them dead? I’m at the peak of emotion it’s killing me.
But the dives did me good. Hopefully the weekend fish visit will pull me through May 9th and May 12th. Meanwhile, I have a birthday to celebrate! 
I am obviously jumping from one thing to the other..and my project is killing me. Don’t expect me to make sense until after June 30th. But have I ever made sense before then?
I think it’s odd that a man can live with his wife without talking to her. I think it’s completely unacceptable to live with a partner you refuse to even look at. I think it’s downright insane to live with a partner who sends you scurrying out of the room at whenever she approaches because you hate the way she smells.
But that’s me.
There is someone out there who does this. There is someone out there who has been doing this for the last ten years. I think he’s gone bonkers. I am more sane than I have given myself credit for I guess. I just got off the phone talking to him about borrowing the car and getting my allowance. I guess this means you know who I am talking about. He is the craziest guy in the world. He would rather have her spend a hundred thousand pesos a month than talk her into spending less. He thinks its better to spend that much than talk to her and make her see why it’s wrong to buy more food than they can consume. I am tempted to talk her into spending less. But then again, you cannot reason with her. Should I make her an offer she can’t refuse?
I think he’s turning to shopping for some fun. and why shouldn’t he? He’s worked hard paying for bills and making money grow. He should definitely enjoy it every now and then. He rarely buys things. Did you know that all of his shoes are at least 3 years old? Can you believe that I bought him the most expensive pair of slip-ons he’s ever had? He’s almost a miser I tell you. If I hadn’t bought him socks he wouldn’t have any decent ones to match his pants and shoes. I am happy he recently bought another notebook. I am praying that he will start taking vacations soon. I openly hope he hires one of those intelligent escorts to accompany him. But in my heart of hearts I secretly wish he would take me and my sister. I guarantee he will have the best time with us. We can sleep anywhere, and we drink like boys. Best of all, we appreciate the slabs of meat he likes, just as bloody too.
Oh lord the dreams.
When will they all come true? Will we all ever find peace before everybody dies?
Ali Undone
