Every day is like a test with this husband. Every single day he wears me thin. It’s as if he has taken it upon himself to find out just how much I can take before I boil over into an uncontrollable fit of anger.
The infinitely annoying smart aleck in him irritates me to no end. I don’t need sass. I have enough on my mind to keep me occupied for the rest of my life. I don’t need someone who makes it his goal to annoy me. There are enough annoying people in my life. I don’t need extra aggravation. God knows I pray for happiness every morning when I regain consciousness. Now wit is something else. But believe me, his answers to serious questions are not witty. I wish they were.
Its a lot like being a balloon that is endlessly inflated until it finally loses the battle and explodes all over the place. If there was powder in it you’d see traces. But because I am not a balloon I rage and wail and throw things. I scream into the pillow, into the wall, bang a wooden spoon on the kitchen counter and succeed in breaking it. I cry too.
I cry mostly out of frustration. I hate being out of control. I was crazy so many times in my life but I was never out of control. All the things I did I did with purpose – whether or not it made sense- there was purpose in it. Even acts of stupidity. But I’ve never had to deal with this much anger. I feel like I am two different people. I am starting to be afraid of my angry self. But this husband could not be begged for help. I tried begging for mercy too. But none came.
So in the darkest of nights I think to myself that maybe it’s time to let go of this relationship. I had hoped to be married to someone who would bring out the best in me. This man it seems, has turned me into this incredible monster. I have never been so angry with somebody, so many times in my entire life.
Did I make a mistake when I married him?
Tags: anger, marriage, relationships, crap
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I have this favorite scene, where she runs in desperation after this man because she had something to say. It was so important for her to say it right then that she believed she had to jump into freezing water just to reach him right away. And because she overcame her fear, the dog did too. And it all ends well.
I wish I could say I had known what it was like to be ready to explode with truth and brutal honesty that I did something ridiculous just to have it out with. But no. Unless you count the million times I saw it in my mind’s eye.
I wonder how many revelations end so well. Half time, the things we choose to hide are usually stuff that will probably hurt or disappoint. Who wants to reveal any of that? Maybe at the brink of death, we might feel that since there is no time to suffer the consequence of such revelations, we might as well spill the terrible beans. But how cruel to share the secret at the end of time! How depressing to leave a path of unknown ache as we pass away.
But where do we get the courage to just come out with it? Shouldn’t our lives be about striving to make it so that there are no ghosts up the attic? Ah but what do I really know?
Tags: must love dogs, movies, secrets, blah
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He’s been picking on me for days. days I tell you. days. I have had it. I want to strangle him and watch him die. Maybe tear his heart out while I’m at it. I am so mad at him.
I tried crying and screaming to let all the frustration out but it has not fixed me.
I just want to spend my days with someone who actually believes that I matter. I just want to live with somebody who will not force me to eat green stuff that I never like. I just want to be with someone who will not laugh at me when I am upset over something.
I just want to be happy. Is that too much to ask for?
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Went to bed last night with a bad belly. Woke up this morning to a bad belly. Spent half the morning in the bathroom trying to coax the bad stuff out. It staunchly refused. It came out in the most annoyingly stubborn painful trickles.
It’s Saturday. How can it be the ickiest crap day of my week?
Tags: crap day, bad belly, tummy ache, loose bowels, ick, yuck
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I will be thirty years old in December.
People have been relentless in reminding me that the biological clock is ticking – therefore, I should have kids like right now. I’ve said it once before and I say it again and again that it will happen in God’s time. I say in God’s time because I really don’t know when it’s going to be. Some people just jump right into it. Most people just grow into it knowing what to do. I don’t know what to do. Come to think of it, I am twenty nine years old and I’m not so sure I know what I really want. I mean I do want things to happen but I am never sure if I truly want them to happen until they actually happen. The experience is usually different from the dream.
You think you know what it’s gonna be like when you flip the scenes over and over in your mind but when you finally reach that moment you realize that it was never all that you had hoped for it to be. Mostly because you didn’t know that moment as a whole. You think that if you had the snippet you imagined, that would be all there was to it. But it’s never like that. At least not for me anyway.
But I am a firm believer in the best time. I am convinced that things have a way of happening when they’re supposed to happen. Who knows when the exact moment will come? Do I really want to know?
Tags: life, time, experiences, waiting, hope
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The Mister’s friend sent us a bottle of Zinfandel. We decided to have smoked salmon on baguette to enjoy it. And it worked. 
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I made paella for my father today. We had it for lunch. I think he liked it. It seemed like his cook liked it too. I hope they really liked it. I worked so hard to make it good.
But I really don’t know for sure if they truly liked it because it tasted like good paella or if they really liked it because they knew I worked so hard making it.
The happy thought of the day is that it does not matter whether they tasted good paella or my dish full of love, because either one of those things taste really really good! (although I would have liked it to be a technically good dish…)
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http://thisaliundone.typepad.com/
I will be cross posting for a while until I finall decide what to do with myself. I was able to make Qumana work. Qumana is a blogging tool that lets you write posts offline and works with Typepad, WordPress, Blogger etc. For now I will be double posting entries, as I am not quite ready to let go of my wordpress account.
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I just got back from my STOTT pilates session. It’s the most effective stress reliever at the moment. I have been working on my core muscles for almost eight months now..and well..it’s hard work. But the zoning out moments I get where my mind is completely blank is what makes it all worth it.
I wish I could make everyone try STOTT pilates. It helps with self image issues too because you have to look at your body closely and really listen to it in order to perform the exercises properly. It encourages imagination too. You need to learn to imagine where where your body parts are located inside the space you occupy so that you know what muscles to employ to perform the movements with precision.
I personally prefer the slower movements that include pauses. I like that I move with deliberate slowness and I like that the slow movements make me more aware of each muscle group. It is amazing how many small muscle groups we have on our bodies and it’s even more amazing that there are specific movements that can target just the small muscle groups.
Most people have this notion that STOTT pilates is all about stretching. It most certainly is not. It’s one of the safest exercises we can do because it allows people with back problems and injuries to participate without risking further damage to their bodies. Isn’t that amazing?
If you feel like trying it click here: http://www.vivianzapanta.com/
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I imported all my posts into typepad.com yesterday. It was so easy. Their blogging tool is so simple!
So now I am seriously considering moving my blog to typepad.
what do you think?
I’ve been reading books that I’m embarrassed to be seen with. It’s a guilty pleasure at the moment. And because some books turn out to be so good that I can’t put them down, the creative genius in me decided to use colorful paper fold-overs to hide the book covers.
So if you see me immersed in a book with some weird paper cover, please don’t ask me what it is.
Tomorrow marks the first dress of 2010. This year I will attempt to wear a dress once a month. Here’s to hoping I could finish what I started.
I didn’t go anywhere today. I had too many things to sort out at home. But because I bought shoes yesterday I wore them this evening. I really like my new shoes. I felt like a silly little girl walking around the house in my brand new shiny shoes.
My dog couldn’t stop staring at my shoes until I took them off.
January 1 (Fri) – New Year’s Day (five-day long weekend from December 30 to January 3)
February 22 (Mon) – EDSA Revolution Anniversary (holiday for schools only, three-day long weekend from February 20 to 22)
April 1 (Thu) – Holy Thursday
April 2 (Fri) – Good Friday (four-day long weekend from April 1 to 4)
April 9 (Fri) – Araw ng Kagitingan (three-day long weekend from April 9 to 11)
May 1 (Sat) – Labor Day
May 10 (Mon) – National Elections (three-day long weekend from May 8 to 10, make sure you vote and vote wisely)
June 14 (Mon) – Independence Day (three-day long weekend from June 12 to 14)
August 23 (Mon) – Ninoy Aquino Day (three-day long weekend from August 21 to 23)
August 30 (Mon) – National Heroes Day (three-day long weekend from August 28 to 30)
September – Eid’l Fitr (to be announced, calculated September 10, possible three-day long weekend from September 10 to 12)
November 1 (Mon) – All Saints Day (three-day long weekend from October 30 to November 1)
November – Eid ‘l Adha (to be announced, calculated November 16)
November 29 (Mon) – Bonifacio Day (three-day long weekend from November 27 to 29)
December 24 (Fri) – Non-Working Holiday
December 25 (Sat) – Christmas
December 27 (Mon) – Rizal Day (four-day long weekend from December 24 to 27)
December 31 (Fri) – Non-Working Holiday
January 1 – (Sat) New Year’s Day (three-day long weekend from December 31 to January 2)
(reposted from: http://maxovrdrive.wordpress.com/2010/01/04/2010-schedule-of-philippine-holidays-and-long-weekends/)
I’ve told a few friends that one of the goals for 2010 is to dress more like a girl. By this I mean, learn how to put on proper make-up and wear feminine clothes. I started by adding to my closet. I bought two feminine blouses last year to start off. Karen gave me a black printed blouse for christmas too, so that makes three blouses that I can wear instead of the black and white classic button up shirts that dominate my closet. I had three dresses in my closet two of them black and one of them dark blue, last week I bought a day dress with floral print. (Dear God, please don’t let me look stupid in it.) Today I bought shoes. I got this pair of metallic brown ballet flats that were so soft and a pair of flat gold sandals. (Dear God, please don’t let me look stupid in them.)
I had no idea that wanting to look like a grown up girl involved so much work. I need to practice with make-up a whole lot more, because my previous practices resulted in my husband telling me that I looked like the Bratz doll.
I had this recurring dream where Karen and I were walking on the sidewalk, dogs in tow, wearing dresses and looking so grown up and happy. I’m hoping it would come true before either one of us turns 30.
These days, all I can do is dream of the sea. I pick up moments here and there to draw a picture of the days of sun vacation I would really like to take. It feels like grasping at straws. At the moment things are unable to run by themselves at work. There is much to be done that cannot be delegated just yet. I feel terribly small.
I wish we had someone reliable to run the office for us while we are away so that we can take short breaks from time to time. It has been so long since I’ve been with my fishy friends. And my brand new wetsuit is getting old in storage.
I think about the salty water and the fish. I think about swimming with Finn in the cool blue waters.
I wonder how much more of this waiting I can take.
I don’t understand why the sidewalk contractor buried this fire hydrant. What happens if there is a fire?
This holy water font stands at the entrance of the Binondo Church.
How does the water stay clean?
