stupid EDSA bus lanes

We have bus lanes here in Manila. Special yellow lanes for city buses and extra special ones for provincial buses, right along the length of the busy busy EDSA (short for epifanio delos santos avenue). Lord knows how many lanes EDSA actually has, the white painted on lines are never straight and usually fade in and out of sight. Miraculously, there exists a yellow lane for buses that never seem to fade.

I rarely drive. I usually have the husband to do it for me, but on the occasion that I do, I always have this one wish. That they change the bus lane policy on EDSA. It’s stupid and here’s why:

- buses have 2 lanes, sometimes 3 lanes, dedicated to them. private cars get a ticket if they enter the bus lane regardless of whether it was an emergency stop.
- buses who already have the exclusive lane, are allowed to weave in and out of the private car lanes.
- buses outside the yellow lanes stop wherever they want to load and unload passengers.
- buses outside the yellow lanes sometimes occupy two lanes at the same time zigzagging their way like they owned the friggin’ highway.
- bus drivers don’t check to see if there’s a car in the adjacent lane, they just snake through the highway like humongous kings of the road, leaving you to jam your foot into the brake and sending your heart ramming into your throat (hoping that the car behind you is far enough and quick enough to not crash into your behind).
- they have the best of both worlds with their exclusive lane and rights to terrorize smaller cars on the other lanes.

So here’s what I really want: Buses should stay in their yellow lanes forever. They should terrorize each other instead (you know, deal with someone their own size..). They should not be allowed to drive on the private vehicle lanes. Buses should have dedicated stops with schedules.

Why can’t we just have road trains instead? They would be on time, won’t cause traffic, won’t endanger other cars, will have better fuel efficiency, would be quiet, and will be properly taxed (the government would love this).

a whole lot of nothing

I’ve wanted to write but the words are gone. Apart from that, it feels like my life is in complete stand still. Nothing happens apart from work and more work. It’s like a lost sense of purpose or being.

A friend from long ago came to visit last week. I could not understand how he could look at me like I meant something and not see how I’ve lost all sense of who I used to be. It feels gone. Like the faint shimmer of something beneath the surface that’s really just the sun being reflected back – nothing more. It’s empty. Mostly just reflecting things being thrown my way. Someone else’s words echoing in my head.

But there is a fear of disappearing. This fear of not knowing. A fear of pain. Sometimes I can’t sleep because it gnaws at the corner of my mind. I think I’m just scared that all the struggles I’ve been part of was never enough to make a difference.

I think I’m just really lonely between work and the deaf & mute husband. But everyone I used to be able to talk to are long gone. Sometimes I wish I fell in love with someone else.

of lumps and needles

Things aren’t so bright and happy right now. I sought the opinion of a diabetes endocrinology specialist and after further tests, he concluded that I am not diabetic yet..I just have twice as much insulin as everyone else. I have a chance to escape diabetes by exercising and eating anything in moderation. But he found a complex nodule and a complicated cyst in my thyroid. so there..and because I like to suspend the inevitable, I have not scheduled a biopsy just yet.

I want to scream. I have been working so hard. I don’t need crap like this. Can’t I just will it away? How come evil doers don’t get sick?

I can be myself with her

She’s the mother I imagined I was meant to have. Not that I didn’t have one. It’s just that the one I had always seemed to make me feel like I couldn’t measure up.
I strive to let go of excess baggage because of her. The rage in me was usually quiet whenever I was with her. I could be myself, but she makes me want to be the better version of myself too. She has repeatedly shown me what it meant to forgive and accept people for all the good and bad they can be.
Sometimes I think she knows that my heart is not well but she never says anything. Sometimes I think she wants more time with me, but she never asks for anything. She’s always just there waiting for me to open up, ready to listen.
I think it’s the listening and the not pushing me to do things that makes me feel comfortable. It makes me feel like she understands that I have my ways and I cannot be prodded to do things. She knows that I will eventually make the right choice – it’s just a matter of time.
I want to be like her that way.
And no, she’s not perfect. She’s had her moments. But that I can be myself with her is one of the greatest experiences of my life.

with a heavy heart

i trudge along all tied up. I want to believe that I am better than most. I keep telling myself that I made a choice and I have to keep my promise. But I’m angry all the time and I’m tired of excuses. I’m tired of waiting for something that isn’t likely to happen. For the most part, I just want to be lonely by myself. I don’t want to waste my time being dragged along by someone who doesn’t care to know what I want out of my life. The rings get heavier every single day.