Tears at the Altar (and other thoughts..cause I lost my concentration..)

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It’s always unsettling to see a grown man cry.

In all of my 25 years, I have only made 2 men cry. The first when I shared the bad news from my doctor and the second when he realized how much he hurt me. The first man cried like a child, with sniffles. The second man had silent tears, tracing crooked lines on his blushing face. I’ve never had a man cry because he was so moved by all the things he felt for me. But that’s not what this is about..so..

This weekend, I saw my friend get married. It was a very big wedding celebration. (well, all weddings are big compared to mine..) and they planned everything down to the last detail. They even had their own vows to recite. At the altar when each one pledged their promise, there were tears. Even the groom’s father cried. (I couldn’t see the bride’s parents very well..) There was something very moving about the moment, the lights, the couple, the way their voices cracked with the strain of emotion. The chapel was just so full of it. The air was heavy with it. Their story unfolded right before my very eyes. The wording wasn’t perfect, but nothing was left unsaid. It was so raw and as real as anything can get. It was probably love.

I say it was probably love because I am not sure I know what it is exactly. Maybe when I get older I can tell you all about it. But right now, love seems to be both heartwarming and gut wrenching. But that moment at the altar, with their declarations and promises, seems like love to me. And yet, magical as it was, I wondered how long it will last.

I have been trying to love my partner for a very long time. (I say try because I am not sure if i’m doing it the right way.) Sometimes when it’s too easy I wonder if I’m doing it right, and yet, sometimes, when it’s too hard, I wonder if it is worth all this struggle. (I’m confused that way) I have forgiven him many times, most of it I can’t even remember anymore. I know that there will be other crap along the way, but I am not sure if I can outlast time.

Someone told me at the wedding that grand celebrations seem nice. I didn’t argue. But in my mind I knew that I could never be part of something like that. I was very happy about the way my wedding turned out. Very quiet, quick and easy. No fuss. But the after wedding paperwork is killing me. I dread the day that the NSO releases the marriage contract..because that’s when I have to go to all my banks change my name and update all my records everywhere else.

This post is a mess. Excuse the incoherent ramblings..hopefully I can come up with something better next time..

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Filed under Crying Men, Love?, Relationships