Monday, May 22, 2006...4:19 pm
Guilty
I have another confession to make. I am guilty of cheating.
For the longest time I have hoped that someday someone who will treat me better comes along. I have taken comfort in the thought that someday I will find someone who will make me his priority. Many times I would imagine a life that will never be mine.
For all my sensibility, I cannot take my own advice.
I married him because I want him, inspite of all the crap. I know I deserve better. I know there are people out there who love me more, but it’s him I want. And I cannot lie about that.
I sound so much like the one person I hate.
And in secret I fantasize about the little things that would’ve been nice. Whispered words that would keep me warm in the years to come. A glimpse of the thoughts he had about me. A moment that reveals how much a part of him I have become.
But I wake up, and I see me.
I have always known that he will always be like this. That I will always be second best. That the world has to be fixed before he can have time to talk to me. That he can remember the world and forget about me. And yet, I married him. Why?
I’m in-love I’m sure. Am I stupid or just a fool?
2 Comments
Thursday, June 8, 2006 at 2:06 am
Sometimes I feel the need to ask him if I need to look for something else, if I deserve something better. I think there will always be time that our man will irritate the hell out of us, that they could be very immature and unloving…but after that we learn something. We learn to be more patient (even when it hurts a lot,) we learn to be forgiving (sometimes I wonder at my capabilities to forgive,) and most of all, we learned that we still love them no matter what and that there will still be nobody else for us but that one guy who causes our both our pain and happiness.
Relationships are not easy. I thought it would be. I guess its part of growing together, either we grow together or grow apart. I’ll choose together even though it hurts. It will hurt anyway so I’d rather take the road with him, at least I have company..ahahaha..
I miss this part of Ali, who just rambles about little things in life but mostly the important ones.
Monday, July 24, 2006 at 6:53 pm
Aw sounds like you are so lacking in maybe just a normal everyday hug! I don’t think you are stupid or a fool, i think you are doing what it is you have chosen to do, for the biggest majority of us, we wouldnt put up with it, women don’t thses days, but if you believe you are strong enough, and more importantly reallt want to do it…then get on with your life and live it! doeant matter what other people thin, as long as you are not burdening them with all your troubles and not willing to change anything, thats where weve all gone wrong at some time or another, me included!
A few years ago i lived with a bloke who i knew absolutely held me about oooh 5th in his priority list, practically verything came before me, no consideration what so ever, me - i was besotted- idiot that i was, i moaned everyday to my friend, she’d say the same things everyday- theni would go home to him and hope it wud be different-but just got used to the same amount of attention and consdieration as usual-none!
Six years later i saw the light! I just did! dont know how or why, because god knows i had been told often enough, but i saw the light for myself and booted his selfish ass out of my house, and never ever looked back, he begged forgiveness, tho i doubt he knew what he was asking for, and i said to words! we shall say ‘go away’ to be polite!
you decide what you think you are worth, self worth means alot! you decide do you think you deserve more, or are you being treated to the level you think you truly only deserve, only you know that!
please see my website … http://www.itsworthasking.com
its my job to comment on these things,all everyday occurances!
kind regards
Alison
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