Saturday, June 24, 2006...5:26 am
I Lost Her
“I’m sorry but there is no heartbeat.” (none? that’s not possible..I’ve been throwing up like mad, it just can’t be..)
“it looks like this happened maybe in the last two weeks..” (did I fail her??)
“stopped growing at six and a half weeks…” (no no no..that’s just no possible..she’s nine and a half weeks..it just doesn’t show yet because she’s my first…)
“was it something I did?!”
“no no, it was not something you did or did not do. this happened at the moment of conception. from the start it was not good. there was already something wrong. that’s the first thing people ask..”
She was never mine. From the moment of her existence it seems that her fate was decidedly so short. And yet I have never felt a loss as big as this. I don’t understand how I can lose something that was never mine. How cruel to be a mother at last and be pulled back into an empty reality in the blink of an eye. How sad to feel responsible for something that was never within my reach, never within my realm of consciousness.
Blighted Ovum. There are other resources of course but right now, I have already read so many my head feels like it will explode. What’s real to me is that I feel pregnant and look pregnant but I am not pregnant. It’s not fair. We waited so long for this. It’s a cruel joke that God played on us and I can’t even see the lesson in all of this. It is just so wrong.
I hate everyone for telling me that it’s okay because when someone is raw and bleeding it’s never okay! What’s worse is people telling me that I’ll get another one because I’m young. I hate the way people go sneaky on me and bring it up when I have succeeded in forgetting about it and have put all my energy into living that moment. I do not need to be reminded that I am no longer expecting, that I am not a mother just yet. And I want to tell them to mind their own business. Leave me alone and let me cry when I feel like crying. It’s something that can’t be helped.
I love my husband more, for his kindness and understanding, for his strength and steadfastness, and for all the hope he has tried to share with me all this time. I am thankful that he does not blame me. I am grateful that he holds my hand and walks with me still.
and yet I am ever so sad to have lost her, who was never mine.
5 Comments
Wednesday, June 28, 2006 at 5:12 am
It’s hard losing something so special. I understand the feeling. It’s good that your husband is staying strong for the two of you. It showed the love he has for you. When you’re ready, I’m always here for you.
Saturday, October 14, 2006 at 12:03 pm
Exactly.
I hate the word miscarry. Like I could carry my baby wrong or something. mis-carry. Blah.
Monday, October 23, 2006 at 10:53 am
me too, dawn. i’ve always felt responsible somehow. even after the doctors told me there was nothing I could’ve done to save her.
Thursday, November 23, 2006 at 4:19 am
[...] Funny how after all this time and all these experiences I still don’t know what to do with my grown up self. Up until a couple of weeks ago I was convinced that I could live the scuba dream. And yet I spent the past weeks trying to land myself a grown up job. The husband says I must start acting more like a grown up and stop dreaming about swimming with the fish. I have been trying but no one seems to want me working for their company. Tomorrow I will call a friend and see if he can land me a job. Why is it so hard to be a grown up? Can’t I be a grown up and live the dream? Although he does have a point when he mentioned that I got nothing to show for this year, excuses aside. Maybe a ‘proper’ day job would keep my mind off Sabin (okay, I named her in my head a few months ago, which can’t be right..really, but I couldn’t help it.), and maybe it would help me look normal even if my universe is aware I am not. The bottomline is, we’ll have more money, and my school stuff will be put to use. I tried applying for writer positions, but it seems I am not good enough. Maybe I could come up with a book and have it published. Then maybe someone will hire me. I submitted sample articles too, to no avail. [...]
Friday, March 28, 2008 at 9:43 am
thank you for your post—I captures many of the things I have been feeling.
Leave a Reply