i got the blues

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i have a hundred images in my head of what could have been. it feels like drowning in a bottomless pit of sadness. no matter how hard i try to put it all away i just can’t. what’s harder is that alvin and i are opposites. he wants to see people and go out and talk about it. i can’t bear to talk about it. let alone answer questions about it. and people do that. they ask questions, lots of it. they tell me it’s okay cause i’m young and i’ll probably have many more. inside my head i’m screaming, it’s not okay. i haven’t slept well since i found out that i had a ggraveyard of a womb. i could not believe that the womb could actually hold death in it. probably explains the word tomb. but that’s just how dark my humor has turned. i can’t even laugh at alvin’s corny jokes. i could really use a lot of touching, but this translates into sex for alvin and the doctor said were not supposed to get any until the end of the month. it just really feels lonely and rotten. right now i am convinced i should get a stupid day job just to dull the senses and stop feeling anything anymore. better to be numb than deal with it..which is really stupid because it’s the exact opposite of my advice. chocolate could have been my quick-fix but i can’t have any because my blood sugar must not go up. i can’t do as i please, i can’t eat the stuff i like. and people wonder why i am upset and tired all the time. duh?

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Filed under Affection, Blighted Ovum, Depressed, Depression, Emotional Roller Coasters, Healing, Loneliness, Marriage, Miscarriage, Post Miscarriage Crap, Pregnancy Complications, Relationships, Sadness