family

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We were already in bed, getting ready to sleep, and then we started talking about family again. As usual the fight with my mum was brought up. So was how families stick up for you in your time of need. And then eventually, the holidays. I am so bad at this family thing. Which shouldn’t really come as a surprise if you know my family.

And things have a way of going from bad to worse.

To roughly describe my family: my father refuses to get involved, my mother insists on too much involvement, my sister kring is the biggest liar I know and is on my father’s side forever, my brother adrian is on my mother’s side forever, my youngest sister adel is as involved as my father and I just want everyone to be treated fairly and try to heave everyone in that direction. I simply don’t belong. Not now, not when I was a kid. I have always just been too different. My psychologist told me a long time ago that it was because I had a different set of values from them. (But aren’t we all unique?) I have always wondered how I could be so different when I grew up with these people around me.

A lot of people told me that the world isn’t fair and the sooner you accept that, the easier it will be. But I think, that’s precisely why the world isn’t fair. People settle for an unfair world which is why it hasn’t changed. I refuse to accept that. Accepting it will mean that kring will keep lying and my father will keep spoiling her(already at this point she has become unbearable for me), I will die without ever having a pleasant conversation with my mother ever again because she will keep believing kring’s lies, the world will never find out about the million lies kring told to get her way, adrian will always do what my mother says, adel will remain cold and uninvolved, our family will forever be divided, and I will be remembered as the most evil sta.maria kid. I am not a bad person. I will never be anywhere near as bad as the evil manipulative lying envy driven monster that kring is.

When we lost the baby, I hoped to get back up on my feet in the quickest time possible. Afterall, there is no point in dwelling over a change that no one can undo, even if it felt like the end of the world.

But my mother had other ideas. Hit me while I’m down for the nth time. How does a world fall apart after it has come to an end? My mother showed me. And I will never forget the bleeding (literally because I had completed a curettage session a couple of days before due to the miscarriage), exhaustion and an even greater sense of isolation that greeted me the next morning.

I was wrong to believe that after all the words she cut me with as a teen she could never hurt me that way again. Boy, she really outdid herself this time. And she’s convinced that she never said anything hurtful. I am 25. I survived being wrongfully accused and punished during the entire time I had been in school, and yet nothing prepared me for this. I was not aware that a broken soul could be broken down still.

How does one survive losing a child and being trampled upon afterwards?

My siblings just sat and stared at the entire scene. I was screaming my head off trying to prove how wrong she was about me. For the second time in my life, I wanted to get as far away from my family as possible. This time, God had other plans. I bled, I couldn’t leave. I had to bear the awfulness of being in the same house as she is. I hated her for hurting me when my life is in shambles. I hated myself for letting her hurt me. I could not believe that she wouldn’t stop yelling those horrid accusations even as I was falling apart in-front of her. She forgot that I was her kid too. It made me think that maybe I never was. I hated my siblings for not doing anything. Not one of them stood up for me. I had done nothing wrong. I am not what my mother accused me of being. It was so wrong. I was being treated so unfairly. And kring the liar cried like she was the victim in all of the carnage. I was beaten down to a pulp and my husband had to drag my bits and pieces to get cleaned up in the bathroom.

There is an infinite sadness around me that refuses to let go. I haven’t slept well. (all my life, I just slept through every crisis..this is indeed an awful first) And my body craves the sugar high all the time every time.

I am so scared that if I can’t stop this downward whirlwind of crap, I might just end up becoming someone that I will hate forever.

I am so jaded, I am starting to fear raising a family of my own. I am starting to feel that maybe God took our child away because we wouldn’t be able to raise her properly.

I hate this never ending chain of thoughts that stubbornly keep me awake night after night since this nightmare began.

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Filed under Anger, Choices, Crying, Emotional Roller Coasters, Family Ties, Father, Forgiveness, Healing, Love And Hate, Miscarriage, Miscommunication, Mothers, Post Miscarriage Crap, Priorities, Relationships, Sadness, patience is a virtue