Saturday, July 29, 2006...10:57 pm
Loneliest Time in this World
If I could, I would sleep through this damnation. But sleep has thus far evaded me since. It only happens after I’ve cried myself senseless. Thank God we don’t have enough drugs in the house. I know that I should be reaching out, but after this great loss of life, there is a degree of detachment in me that I cannot get rid of.
I see myself standing still in the middle of the busy throng of humanity.
Why should the universe stop moving just because I lost the baby? Why should time be bothered?
i fear that i dwell on this too much but i am unable to stop. i want out but i can’t seem to get out. I lie in bed staring in the dark amidst my husband’s deep snores. what I would give to sleep as soundly as he does.
to my little one who never made it:
i would’ve given my life so you could live yours. i would’ve burned in hell for you to walk in the sunshine. i would’ve sold my soul to keep you safe. and yet you were never mine. how unfortunate that we never met. from the moment i knew you were inside me i imagined how i would hold your tiny hand in mine. i imagined how i would show you everything that i love about this place that you would never see. i imagined how i would show you, that inspite of all the wrong things in this world there is so much to live for. and yet i seem to have lost myself now that you’re gone. maybe i don’t deserve a gift as great and wonderful as you.
10 Comments
Sunday, August 20, 2006 at 7:53 am
I am so with you, I can’t even explain it.
Monday, August 21, 2006 at 11:42 pm
Don’t! You’ve got me blubbing like a good’un. You do deserve kids. It wasn’t your fault, it wasn’t your baby’s fault it was just luck, pure bloody-minded luck. It was statistics. It’s one in two and you and me, we’re in the wrong half. Nature is cruel but these things happen for a reason. Nothing you or anybody else could have done would have changed the outcome. I had the same deal in May. I believe mine was a little girl too. I’m 38 and I thought I would never have children because my husband didn’t want them. We had an “accident” and now we’re going to try again. I dunno if it helps you to know any of this or to know that you’re in a stranger’s thoughts although I would like it to. I hope it will help reduce the lonliness to know you’re not going through it alone, that other people are going through it too, at the same time as you. You will get through this.
Rooting for you mate.
Cheers
BC.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006 at 12:19 am
PS… if it’s any cosolation, I, too, wish I could spool forward through my life until about …ooo this time next year.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006 at 11:52 am
To be honest I am torn between feeling less lonely and feeling horrible that there are people out there who suffered the same fate. I am feeling a little better now, but we’ve decided to postpone trying to get pregnant. We’ll definitely try again, but not just yet. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. It helps in a strange sort of way. Keep me posted on your next pregnancy, I hope all goes well!
Wednesday, August 30, 2006 at 11:33 pm
I’m very glad it helped and I’ll certainly let you know if anything happens… We wanted to wait a while too… it’s all quite raw and it’s difficult to get up and start again until you’ve mourned the lost little one properly. We’ve got a big eff off holiday planned before we try again, too! That said, it was due at Christmas so I’ll want to be trying again by then.Take care.
Cheers
BC
Friday, September 1, 2006 at 2:55 pm
That’s exactly how I feel. We thought of possibly starting to try mid next year or so. But it still depends on how we actually feel about it by then. I am thankful that my husband has been very patient through all of this. I know how badly he wants to have kids, but he always tells me that we’ll only start trying again when we’re both ready. you take care also.
Thursday, September 7, 2006 at 8:06 pm
While I’m here, just wanted to thank you for your comment on my blog about having a miscarriage - mine was 9 weeks when it fell out, too. I’m not actually as stong as I sound and believe me you are much stronger than you think - everyone is. What you said about looking out the window is very true. For a few months afterwards I felt like I was going through the motions of life, as if nothing was real and I was watching myself live. In other ways, though, I suspect I’ve had an easier ride than most. I’ve always wanted children but Mr BC didn’t so I put my maternal instincts aside because I wanted him more. Now he wants to try for another baby so I’ve gone from being resigned to the fact I’d never have children to planning them. It may not come off but if Junior had, I’d have never been sure he truly wanted her. Whoever comes next will be planned for and wanted by both of us. I’m very scared I’ll have another miscarriage but at least we’re going to try. I’m 38 and maybe I should have tried before, but it’s only now that the time is right.
Oh yes…. and thanks for the link! I’ll put one in yours too!
Cheers
BC
Friday, September 8, 2006 at 8:29 pm
i do hope you have as many children as you want! i’m sure you’ll have fun trying.
i am very scared about trying again too..especially since i’ve got new problems as of late. i refuse to say it out loud as if not telling the world about it could make it disappear.
i wish.
goodluck making babies!
Sunday, September 10, 2006 at 11:23 am
I just found out I, too, lost my baby. Or as the ER nurse so politely put it, “embryonic sac.” Too painful…I wanted to scream, “That was my baby..” My baby…gone…I now wake up no longer pregnant. I touch my tummy and know there is now nothing growing inside…I feel like a helium balloon that is losing its air - I just float from room to room bouncing into things desperately trying to reassure myself that I’m still here….I miss this little life inside me…The tears come, and I just have to let them fall…
Tuesday, September 12, 2006 at 10:23 am
it is one of the most terrible things there is, and no amount of crying, screaming or moping around will make you feel better about it. But it will come to pass. Time will come that you will learn to accept that she was meant to be with you for that very short moment. too short a moment. It is something that was not meant for you just yet. and there is no other choice but to wait. wait an eternity and hope that the next time is for real.
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