Jump to Comments

He keeps looking at the time when he’s with me. I finally asked him about it again about an hour ago. He got mad again. Raised his voice too.

I said nothing. Sat on the couch and cried. I just wanted to stop feeling so bad.

I really want to understand why he does that. Why time is important when he’s with me. He’s not like this when we’re out with his friends. Why is he like this when he’s with me?

For a moment I just felt too much. I thought about a couple of ways to end it.

I could jump out the window. If I fall head first people won’t recognize me..which would be good cause I was about to take a shower when it fell apart..but then it wouldn’t even matter anymore cause hopefully I wouldn’t know anymore. But I got worried that I might survive the fall so..I thought of ingesting medicine. Anything..but I ran through my stock..and there’s not enough here that can surely end my pathetic existence. And then I started writing..*wtf* this isn’t gonna happen.

because I am still thinking!

The one time I overdosed I got caught and they brought me to the hospital. I was in the ICU for days. I survived. But the point is I never planned it. I just bought wads of the painkillers and brought them home with me. Took them all and drowned myself in apple juice and waited. The phone rang. I talked..slurry word coming out of my mouth. They came and dragged me to the hospital.

one time a doctor told me i had a disease without a cure. SLE she called it. She said it would kill me..who knows how long I’ll live..*F* i’m still alive.

how cruel fate is. to keep me alive only to suffer so.

if you think about it, no one will die if i actually disappear. i’m like the old lady in crime and punishment. no family..no contribution to society. he’ll probably be relieved when he gets rid of me.

i am not a chore to attend to. nor am i a problem to be solved. people always think i need to be saved. they tell me what to do like they know me. they talk about me like i was a  puzzle waiting to be solved. they all think they can fix me.

i am not my mother’s daughter. i never was. it was a mistake to believe that.

good god when will it end? i am so tired of playing games. i do good i do bad, bad things happen just the same. how come the ones mean to me have it all?  i don’t ask for much. I just want some quiet in my head. no sadness, no anger, none of this..whatever this is right now.

2 Comments

Filed under ...