I was sifting through my old stuff earlier and eventually found myself reading letters I’ve kept, one after the other. I remembered things that I was not sure I wanted to remember just yet.
I remember how I loved this boy once. I also remembered how afraid he was when he realized how much he wanted me to be part of his life. I suppose it was partly my husband’s fault since he uncovered the little dusty things yesterday while we were tidying up. And then again today that boy came up in the conversation I shared with a friend over lunch. Just now all those letters I read again brought back startling memories that I had forgotten over the years.
I loved him then. I really did. I tried my best, but some things just never last for very long. That story is the stuff of legends. It was one of those moments that seemed to last an eternity. Eternal as it lasted in my mind’s eye, it was a moment nonetheless. A flash of light between two realities at best. A moment that will always be part of my past. A chapter of life that I accepted and made peace with a long time ago.
How come letting go of a lost child is not as easy? Is it not love just the same? Why do I still have a hard time telling that story when there is nothing that can be done? Why do I feel like the world decided to pick on me? Why can’t I just accept the fact that we weren’t meant to be together and move on with my life? I got over a lot of losses, why can’t I do the same with her?
As a friend’s baby shower nears, I fear that I might not be able to get a hold of myself when I see his very pregnant wife. Yesterday I came across my pregnant clothes and it hurt. I did not burst into tears like I would’ve months ago, but it hurt. And the dull ache haunted me even in my sleep. When they all come around for the baby shower dinner on the last Monday of this month I hope to be able to endure the night of baby talk and pregnant chatter. I hope no one asks me when we plan to get pregnant.
The problem with losing a baby and not getting over it just yet is that everything seems to be pointing in the direction of that empty space even if it really does not. I know in my perfectly sane patch of brain that people do not mean to hurt me with pregnant conversations and questions about the baby I lost. But my stupid heart thinks otherwise. and in a feelings driven body like mine, the heart almost always wins.
I’m so tired of it I cannot even bring myself to weep.
8 Comments
Sunday, October 15, 2006 at 8:51 pm
Babies are so different, biological pieces of us. It’s a binding tie of genetics and hormones and hope. You aren’t supposed to get over babies; they are forever yours to love or mourn.
Hang in there at the shower. It’s going to be very very hard. You’re brave for going. I refused to go to any baby shower until I had one of my own? Selfish? Hell yeah. I didn’t care.
Monday, October 16, 2006 at 11:57 pm
Blimey, I sympathise with your plight. I agree with Deanna on both counts. You are really brave to go so best of luck.
It is crap isn’t it, the way it goes on hurting, the way odd things start it off? The way everyone else seems to be having babies left right and centre and not to know…
I went to a school reunion the other day. Every single person asked me if I had children. My mother always brought me up NEVER to ask this question. “It can hurt people so much” she has always said. So after about the tenth one I just started telling them the truth. “Almost,” I’d say. “But not quite.” Then to the quizzical glance, “I had a miscarriage a couple of months ago.” I guess in a way it was kind of cruel – most of them were so embarrassed they didn’t know where to put themselves – but in another way, I felt I was educating them, gently, that not everyone is that lucky. They’re sure as hell not going to make the same mistake again.
Mwah ha ha haaargh am I evil or what but boy it felt good.
Monday, October 23, 2006 at 11:07 am
hi deanna, it’s the constant ache that drives me nuts. it just won’t stop. i thought maybe if i could just come to terms with the whole thing, maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much all the time anymore. also, this baby shower, i figured, i can’t stop seeing everyone because things aren’t right with me..but then..i’m not so sure that this was a smart move either.
hey bc,it seems your mother was a very nice lady. oh, yes. crappy times it is. but the world really doesn’t wait for you to accept the loss before showing you that a whole bunch of other people can have babies, hassle free. i wish filipinos reacted that way to be ing told about the loss too..but it’s the exact opposite here. it’s actually the first thing they ask you about when they see you. like they just really really have to hear it from you the moment they see you. similar to their habit of telling you that you gained weight or lost weight the moment they see you after a long time. i don’t think they mean harm, but these questions really just cut like knives. i suppose we have a different sense of propriety here..that sadly makes one feel bad instead of good..
Wednesday, October 25, 2006 at 4:07 pm
My mother is a nice lady! I knew she had two miscarriages, one before my brother, one after me, she confessed, yesterday that she had five! No wonder! Still it’s kind of comforting to know that every generation has to put up with it!
It sounds like I’d have murdered most of my Philipino friends by now if I was in your shoes!
Cheers
BC
Friday, October 27, 2006 at 10:02 am
BC,
ahahaha..in this country it is a common trait. i doubt anyone would take offense. that’s just the way they are. they just have to have to ask you. even if it was the most delicate of subjects to discuss. especially the older people..like my friends’ parents. they just really really have to ask. it’s an urge they can’t seem to resist.
i don’t hate anyone for it. I just wish that they would leave me alone sometimes. it just feels like they have a curiosity that they need to satisfy..hence the questions..what offends them really is my lack of response..more like a refusal to tell them anything..
Friday, October 27, 2006 at 7:23 pm
I suppose in some ways it’s good in that it gets everything out in the open and while that’s hard in some ways it can make for more easy, relaxed relationships in others!
Cheers
BC
Monday, November 6, 2006 at 12:08 pm
[...] I loved him then. I really did. I tried my best, but some things just never last for very long. That story is the stuff of legends. It was one of those moments that seemed to last an eternity. Eternal as it lasted in my mind’s eye, it was a moment nonetheless. A flash of light between two realities at best. A moment that will … Very interesting.Link to original article [...]
Friday, March 23, 2007 at 1:17 am
I cannot imagine the hurt of losing a child. Even an adult one. My heart goes out to you.