Last week the Mister decided it was about time we went back to the San Mateo house and paid my family a visit, wanted or not. We really did. I finally saw Chachi again! 
She’s still soooooooo cute! And she didn’t forget about me even if I hadn’t seen her in months!
As expected my mum and I crossed paths. She refused to meet my eye. Who was I to insist? I turned away.
*blink*As we sat down to eat lunch, my father said: “Gagawin din yan sayo ng anak mo.” (your child will do that to you too) I shrugged it off. I’m not sure if I replied verbally, but in my head, I was thinking, yeah, maybe if I was mean to her when she was grief-stricken, she would feel this way too.
This is very surprising since my parents have not spoken to each other in years. They have issues piled one over the other, higher than Mt. Everest, I expect. It makes me wonder where he gets those things he says to me in ‘parent mode’. Like that for instance, was he still thinking about how my mother feels about my hard-heartedness, despite the bitterness between them? Or was it the parent in him speaking on her behalf? or, was it possible that he was thinking about how this would make me feel in the years to come? Did he finally realize that I have succumbed to much of my mother’s bidding (whether I wanted to or not) all those years just to keep the peace? Maybe he just couldn’t stand to have his family so divided. Who knows what goes on in the old man’s head?
Which makes me wonder about my mother really. Do you think that all the bitterness hardened her enough to be mean to me during the time I lost my Sabin? (ooookay, while this doesn’t seem healthy in the least bit, I cannot lie that I named her. I won’t take it back, even if the Mister is completely unaware.) But why won’t she believe me? Why would she call me a liar? Why would she even accuse me of stealing her money, or even just being nice to my father because of his money? Why, O why did she take my lying sister’s word over mine? And how could she sit there wrongfully accusing me even as my husband half-carried me to the bathroom because I was hysterical and bleeding from post D&C stress? Why?
I have thought about this many times. I cannot lie and pretend to ask my mother for forgiveness. I know I was wrong to yell at her. She is my mother after all. But it was not my fault. My deceptive sister Kring was the root of it all. And she had the guts to cry like she was the victim. Everytime I think of her my blood boils. I ask God why He sent her my way. He hasn’t told me anything yet. It really sucks to be me right now. All the blame is on me, because everyone thinks I can fix everything.
That is such a lie.
I wonder, could it be that my father cannot stand my sister’s fake torment and is hoping that I would let things slide this time and get rid of all that divides us? I am not that kind and forgiving. What those two people (my mother and kring) have done to me is unspeakable. Hit me while I’m down, yeah. Typical enemy behaviour if you ask me. Certainly not something family would’ve done. At the time Sabin left, the only other person whose heart seemed broken was my father’s. I could be wrong, but that’s really how it felt. He acted the same way when my thirteen year old dog died during my highschool sophomore year. I wonder if what I felt was the truth and not what I had hoped for.
It’s probably wrong to let this thing with my mother drag on any longer, but I do not have it in me to patch things up with her. The truth is my life feels better because she hasn’t been around to force me to do things her way. I suppose one could say that I find it relaxing to be able to do as I please whenever I please. Absence of discipline and insanely immature but I can really breathe right now. Between this freedom and the back-breaking work of tip-toeing around her gazillion moods, which sounds better? Not exactly a difficult choice is it?
Well, I could play the martyr and try to make peace, but to what end? Every now and then she really does something mean to me. I wonder how my father can stand it? or is he still listening to that perverted version of truth spewing forth from the mouth of my sister?
i wonder, if the whole universe sees the truth, will things change? I really don’t care what happened much, I just want the truth to come out. Strange how my father, in the slightest of ways, expressed his concern over my relationship with my mother. I suppose I would have to suffer for my stubborn ways in the future. I probably would regret being so hard on her. I have never really carried around this much negative emotion in my entire life. I guess my mother really brings out everything in me, good or bad. I’m not really one to pick fights and such, my problem has always been being too weak to ignore provocation. My sister has really done it this time. And without a display of remorse (real or pretend), I refuse to acknowledge her existence. I will not be hurt by her lies anymore. The only way to do that is to have nothing to do with her.
But it’s stupid really. If I moved to a faraway country they probably couldn’t hurt me anymore. I’m sure she’s happy to have me out of the picture. All these years she has plotted against me, lying about me to convince everyone how mean I am. I can’t believe my parents fell for it. I can’t believe my mother took her word over mine when she’s caught kring lying about her too.
It feels terrible to be overflowing with bitterness everytime I think about them teaming up against me after my entire universe went dark. They say Sabin was all blood and tissue, just a sac and nothing more. Why was it so painful to have all that blood and tissue removed? And how could God let all these things happen to me? Isn’t He a parent too? Am I not His child?
I was a parent but for a short while, and yet it made me think about the gazillion things that I should do to help her find herself. I saw a lot of things in my mind’s eye, why can’t my mother see anything?
