Friday, December 22, 2006...9:51 pm
Gone
I lost it. That postitive pregnancy test kit. It’s gone. I have no idea where it is. I’ve looked all over until sensing failure, tears fell. In torrents they came.
The first proof that Sabin was here is gone.
How could I lose something so important? Was it meant to be like this? Was I destined to lose that baby and all traces thereof? I am going out of my mind! And I had to look through my hospital folder to check if I was really ever pregnant. If I really had her in me, even for a little while. If it was really me, and if she was really there.
It all feels like a bad dream. Something I wanted that is slipping away silently. Stealthily creeping out of my life in the cover of night.
I don’t want to wake up not knowing about her. I don’t want to wake up not having anything of her. But that kit, it’s gone. I lost it. And it feels like I was meant to lose her because I can’t even keep the damned stick when it’s all I have of her..
2 Comments
Saturday, December 23, 2006 at 2:36 am
You’ll never not know about her, you’ll always remember her. The kit was just a thing, a sign, a keepsake. The important thing is that you and your Mr Made a real live baby! Sabine and so, she didn’t make it but for a while she was there and that means you will never forget about her.
Did you ever see Dumbo? He can fly - he flies in his sleep - but when he’s awake he doesn’t believe it so they give him a feather and tell him it’s magic and it’ll make him fly. He holds it, he flies because all of a sudden he can believe he can… then one day he drops it in middair and suddenly realises he can fly on his own! Oh dear, this sounds so trite. What I’m trying to say is that the test is just stuff. It feels like it’s not but it is. What matters is whether you remember her in your heart, in the right way. You do. That’s what is important.
Just to try and cheer you up a bit. If it helps, we’re not the only ones… one of my best mates has lost his dad recently and this is their first Christmas without him. They’re not looking forward to it either! That makes for three humbuggers this year, at least. Hold onto that one! You ain’t alone.
Hang in there.
Cheers
BC
Saturday, December 23, 2006 at 1:29 pm
oh BC. I hope I don’t make anyone miserable this Christmas weekend. We’re staying with the Mister’s family at the old house. Everyone’s going to be there. Might be 8 or 9 families in all, possibly more if the ones overseas come.
I’m really trying to come off it. We haven’t found it. I hope it turns up even if I don’t really know what I want with it.
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