please be kind

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To my friends, my family, and all of you who have made a difference in my life,
As the year draws to a close, everyone is occupied with all the merrymaking and the rush to send out greetings and presents to one and all. I was part of all that rushing and noisemaking, but not this year.
I would like to share my 2006 story again, if you would indulge me.
February 12th, Alvin proposed to me at the Cathedral in Anilao, ‘hao-shao’ diver style and I accepted. We exchanged vows (the short 10 minute kind) March 25th. We found out I was pregnant on the last week of May at five weeks. We were told the baby was gone in June and she was torn from my womb. (sucked and scraped out, really) In July, August and September we were busy watching a cyst in my right ovary and hoping that it would stop growing. In October, I had it surgically removed. In between everything else, I tried looking for a day-job in an attempt for normalcy and dealt with the pressing questions about my not being pregnant anymore.
I tried to be happy. I really did.
It’s just that every so often I end up thinking about how big I should be by now. It’s especially difficult when someone comes up to me and asks me if I was pregnant yet or why I was not pregnant yet. But that is the way of this world. She was due on the first week of January 2007.
I ask you all now, to please, please stop asking me about her who was never mine. Please stop asking me when we plan to get pregnant. Please stop asking me to try and get pregnant soon. Please stop telling me that it’s okay. Please stop telling me that we can have another one. Please stop asking me about the D&C. Please stop asking me. Please stop making me recount the saddest loss. Please be kind to me this way because I am not okay and it’s not okay that she’s gone. More so, please stop telling me that since she was a blighted ovum, there really was no baby, because I felt pregnant for a long time, because I believe she was there even when I never saw her-even if nobody saw her, even if all my husband saw was a jar of scarlet blood.
If you must know, Alvin agreed to wait before trying to get pregnant again. The surgery left me with half of my right ovary so I can definitely get pregnant again (besides, my left ovary is okay).
In spite of all this, I am grateful. Grateful for my Alvin who has taken it upon himself to give me reasons to smile and laugh. Grateful for my father who gave me the countless opportunities to go diving so I can get lost in the ocean and forget about my sorrows. Grateful for Ian who always made time to listen to me say the same things over and over. Grateful for Ai who has brought me hope. Grateful for the kind Dr. Eyvazzadeh who discovered she was gone, for being so kind in telling us, and for making that effort to call me the next day to make sure I went back to my regular doctor. Grateful for Dave, for asking me to assist the SCUBA class for the Vonage group, and pulling me out of my sorry stupor. Grateful for my online friends, Kathy and BC who have suffered the same loss and yet gave me much comfort for my own loss.
I do not intend to sulk over the holidays. I do not mean to stand still amidst all the merrymaking. But if you find me in silence somewhat, please give me a few seconds more. Maybe I’m just thinking about her. Maybe I just need a bit of quiet to get a hold of myself. I do not expect the world to understand. I am just asking for a bit of kindness, a respect for my silence. I have tried many times to tell some of you what happened and how I felt about it, but it will never be enough. No words can explain how something like this rips you apart inside.

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