Wednesday, October 24, 2007...10:00 am
by her own hand
A schoolmate died. They said she hanged herself. They also said that it was four days before anyone found her.
Four days. How can everyone in your life not know that you’ve been dead for four days?
My friends went to her wake. I didn’t. If it took everyone four days to find out she was dead, then she must have really felt bad and I can’t go there. I can’t ask questions because if her family is sad I would know their pain. I can’t be faced with the fact that she gave up because I know what it’s like to just let myself fall and hope that I would never wake up again. She never woke up again because no one came to save her.
Someone saved me from myself. But he’s gone now. And I never thanked him because I never believed that I needed to be saved. Maybe she didn’t believe either. But you know, sometimes I still feel like jumping out of my life, but I don’t jump because I know what it’s like to crush myself and get up from that crumpled heap of a shadow. It’s also mostly because I don’t want to walk around like a happy prozac zombie again.
I don’t want to go to her funeral because I am afraid of stepping into the muck that I once almost drowned myself in.
I guess I never grew up enough.
2 Comments
Wednesday, October 24, 2007 at 10:30 pm
Ouch. My old boss did that. She said she just wasn’t interested in seeing the new millennium. I can hear her saying that. They found her the day after though. I was a couple of years gone from the company before that, so I didn’t go to her funeral, either…
Don’t be afraid, you lived through the prozac phase once that means you’re stronger than most people will ever be, you just have to believe it.
Yeh, I know, easy to say.
Cheers
BC
Friday, October 26, 2007 at 5:11 pm
in a few more years maybe?
I never went. even after one of my friends asked me to go with her. I couldn’t.
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