Saddest Sad

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Today I made another impulsive decision. No, I didn’t stop to think twice. I just felt I must do it, and so I did.

It feels like I might die of the saddest sadness of my life. It probably isn’t the saddest sadness, that’s just how it feels at the moment. But it has got to be the next loneliest moment of all time.

Lonely again. I can really hear this heart breaking. Really. Honestly, it’s the hardest thing in the world to try and jab at the keyboards and make these words come out when tears are clouding my vision. My shirt front is wet all over. I am hoping I could curl up and die right now. But I probably won’t.

As with all things in my life, tragedy strikes at the worst of times. Tomorrow’s christmas eve. And guess what I’ll be doing? No, I really don’t want anyone to guess. I don’t feel like telling either. That’s why I’m typing away. I cannot talk about it. And I don’t want to try talking about it. Please don’t ask me.

I probably over-reacted. But I always countermand myself all the time anyway. Like all the confidence ebbed away as I lived each year of my life..but then again, maybe this time, I finally made the right choice. I’m following my gut. I’m letting it all fall down. A stack of cards crashing on to the table because I breathed on it.

I was probably not good enough to begin with. I guess I’ll never know now. But maybe I will when I reclaim the ghost of myself from long ago. I’m being haunted by my own shadow and it’s so dark I can see it in the blackest darkness.

The question is: why God why?

But you know God won’t say anything. He never says anything back, though I’ve prayed and begged and cried a million times.

Why?

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