I am Mrs. D

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It’s still sounds so odd. I’ve always liked my name. This new name still makes me sound like an extension of someone else. But because it was important to this Mister, I signed my name away. I probably signed my life away too. It’s really not so different from when we were unsigned, and living together as the Mister and the Miss. Pre-wedding, I think we were together for about a year or two. It was fun, it was painful, it was something we both enjoyed.

There were times when I felt I had to let go already. There were times when things he’s done were almost unbearable.

So it came to me as a surprise, when he presented me with a serious proposal. I felt the urge to try. But in all honesty, I felt that it was too much of a risk to take. Too much. I had thoughts of being tied down, thoughts of being stuck. I feared that I would fade away in the years to come.

But you learn to forgive and forget. You learn to cook. You learn to make things good for both of you. You learn to keep house (somehow). And you learn that loving isn’t loving until the person you love realizes how much you love him.

But I cannot get used to the name. It still sounds so funny to me. Maybe I should say it to myself everyday?

Next month marks the 2nd anniversary of The Cathedral. See, and that’s another thing, pre-wedding, anniversaries were non-existent. And I feel weird and uncertain each time these anniversaries come around. I never had anniversaries with any of the exes, and especially not the non-ex. After The Cathedral, March marks the second wedding anniversary. Last year it felt like it was my birthday. Is it supposed to feel like it’s my birthday? But we’re happy, so who cares right?

Post wedding so many things changed. I was sorry it hadn’t happened sooner. The Mister’s father would have been happier. This husband comes from a traditional family. And a few of them asked me why we won’t get married instead of just living together as the mister and the miss. I would always just smile. I never really felt the need for it until I realized that it was something that the Mister wanted. Pre-contract signing, I’ve always felt married. Post contract signing, was only different because of the rings and the name. But the fighting and loving and living and laughing, have always been the same.

I have never truly believed in the marriage contract. A marriage contract does not a marriage make. It’s just paper. And paper can’t keep people together. Paper can’t tide you over the terrible times. Paper can’t save a partnership destroyed. But people can. Marriage is when two people walk together through life. It doesn’t need a contract to be made real. It doesn’t need a change of name to exist. It comes from a place of faith. Faith in your partner, and yourself. At best, even broken hearts are mended.

Sometimes I think about us and the hundred faults and weaknesses we have as people, as a couple. I am almost convinced that we can only go so far together. That because we have needs and wants and frustrations someday we might fall apart and go separate ways. I think that’s what really scared me about the marriage contract- the way it just felt like a lifetime lockdown. But you know, it’s not so bad.

I am Mrs. D. And while I miss my father’s name I struggle to get used to this husband’s name. And I continue to be who I’ve always been.

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Tags: living together, Love?, Marriage, married, mrs., post-wedding