Wednesday, March 26, 2008...10:29 am
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Two years married yesterday.
Two years and one day today.
I wonder how much longer we’ll last. Not that I don’t want it last. It all feels unreal. I don’t really know anyone who can fight and love this much and still stay together. It all seems unreal.
While everything on the relationship (love-love-mwah-mwah) front is great there is an absence that stings. People think it’s all very easy to tell us to make babies already. The other day, someone asked me if I was pregnant. I’m sure I’ve gotten fat but I assure you I’m really not pregnant just yet. When we do get pregnant we will announce okay? So if you can please just leave the pregnancy suggestions unsaid we will all get along just fine.
I am probably the most bitter of all who have lost babies. I don’t give a shit. (yeh I just typed in a bad word so what?) I’m probably the only one who has taken this long and is yet to recover. (can I just say it doesn’t feel like I am going to be okay with it anytime soon?) Sometimes I wonder how much longer this Mister can wait for me to come around and decide we can start trying again. It’s just that every time I think about it the whole thing just feels wrong. Like people trying to give you a puppy after your dog died. Can you imagine the reasoning behind it? The dead dog is irreplaceable. And until I’ve come to terms and accepted the death, I cannot raise a puppy no matter how cute it is.
What more Sabine?
When I think about her and what possible horrors I might have done (yes, I realize it is unreasonable to think I could’ve prevented it when the doctors expressly said she was never there to begin with) to further her death I feel this well of emotion shooting from the very depths of the earth and reaching out into the sky. Tell me is this love then?
But love is probably the Mister who’s magical scratching can put me to sleep when my mind is restless and thoughts overflow. Love is most likely this Mister who makes me laugh in the middle of a fight. (please tell me I’m no schizo)
Two years on paper. What a world, what a life, I’m in love.
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