completely freaked out

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After over a year of trying to be a grown up I have successfully torn my entire sense of being to shreds.

I am totally unable to pick myself up. Not that I’ve failed in all of my projects. I reviewed for the licensure exams for architecture last January to June 2008, and I passed. I took on several projects thereafter and have seen those projects to completion. I have since, worked night and day. I did have two week long trips somewhere between the reviewing and work. But then I also started graduate school last November 2008 and I’m actually towards the end of the first semester now.

I’m tired. I’m sick. There’s never enough time to eat, sleep, rest, do the laundry, tidy up the house, talk to my friends, or dive. I am physically and mentally exhausted and literally at the end of my ropes.

It would not have been so bad if my marriage was a little more reliable than it is. But I feel like a sandbar out in the middle of nowhere. It doesn’t even feel like something’s falling apart. It’s almost as if I had been holding on to something that was never mine to hold. Sounds familiar?

It seems that the story of my life is a string of so many things that were never mine. Why should all this be in my life if none of it was meant for me?

I just want to be happy, to have time to eat right, sleep and dive. I just want to rest when I need to, and have a husband who actually realizes that I am human too and I do need to eat and sleep.

This is not me. I don’t do self sacrificing shit. But the meetings I can’t say no to, and my obsessive compulsive approach to projects is getting the best of me.

And yes, before this post I have tossed dirty laundry everywhere, kicked a chair, screamed in frustration, moaned in agony, bawled like a child and cried my heart out tears snot coughing fits and racking sobs. Complete and utter lack of control – a surrender to the rage.

I thought it would be good to let it all out but I still feel the same.

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