I’ve wanted to write but the words are gone. Apart from that, it feels like my life is in complete stand still. Nothing happens apart from work and more work. It’s like a lost sense of purpose or being.
A friend from long ago came to visit last week. I could not understand how he could look at me like I meant something and not see how I’ve lost all sense of who I used to be. It feels gone. Like the faint shimmer of something beneath the surface that’s really just the sun being reflected back – nothing more. It’s empty. Mostly just reflecting things being thrown my way. Someone else’s words echoing in my head.
But there is a fear of disappearing. This fear of not knowing. A fear of pain. Sometimes I can’t sleep because it gnaws at the corner of my mind. I think I’m just scared that all the struggles I’ve been part of was never enough to make a difference.
I think I’m just really lonely between work and the deaf & mute husband. But everyone I used to be able to talk to are long gone. Sometimes I wish I fell in love with someone else.
