I’ve never really had my mother clean up after me like she just wanted to help. It was always a messy event what with all the screaming about how I should keep my room clean and neat – our neighbors always knew because they heard all that from the top of her lungs. Not a pretty sight.
But I think I know what it means now to have someone do things for you just because they want to help, just because they know you can’t anymore, just because it matters to them. Just because. Maybe that’s what it means to be loved. Doing things just because you care. Helping out even if they don’t want you to, just because you know they need it and they’re simply too proud to ask you. Because someone finally helped me just because.
I kind of felt bad after that. I didn’t know what to say. I still don’t know. But maybe she knows that too.
The past couple of days have been difficult. Pressure at work, relationship stress and impending doom have made it so. But I came out on the other side. I remember sending JM a message right before the big leap, I said: see you on the other side. I don’t know why I said that. I think I was scared I wouldn’t come through. I’m not sure that Mister understood how I felt about the whole thing, he has been impossible to get through lately..I feel like an island. But so many people have helped make me feel better. TL and TB and MC and AA and K, mostly text messaging with JM and emailing B. I think B liked the post-crap photo I sent her. I’m happy that I’ve finally decided to just let people in one at a time. It’s really difficult. Sometimes I don’t know what to say, how to say and why I should bother saying anything at all. But it seems to make them happy? I don’t know. But the song I recorded for AA made him happy for sure – even if it only lasted five minutes. I liked that my efforts worked.
I don’t know. Maybe this is a good thing for me. Having friends around, and other people who care..especially since being married makes me feel like an island. How goes it that I feel lonely in the company of this Mister? Maybe it wasn’t meant to last so long. I’ve exceeded expectation by simply staying married for this long. After all, this has been the longest relationship yet.
(Okay, so I went from mother to nice people and then back to husband. wtf is wrong with my head?)
