I’m turning thirty this year. It’s not as dreadful as I thought it would be. It is much worse.
I look back and try my very best to see that I am actually something now compared the person I used to be, but I’m not something. I’m honestly not anything at all. I’m still lost. I’m still stubborn. I’m still angry. And worst of all, I am still so very lonely like no one would ever believe.
I think people think I am ungrateful for the things I have received over the years. I am not. And I talk about what other people think like it should matter when it never does. I always end up doing whatever the heck I want anyway. Not that it has made for a happy life. But it’s important to me to do what I want with whole hearted selfishness. And so why I have been putting my life on hold for another is a mystery that I will probably never solve in this lifetime. I have gone completely bonkers over this marriage. Turned myself inside-out-up-side-down for a man who could not care less. Jeez, we’re not even friends. (my definition of a friend is someone I can expect to dump my problems upon when the stress is too much for me to bear- either by unreasonably complaining about something at the top of my voice or just stupidly crying about it while said person just listened -and no, that’s not all a friend should be, but it is the first thing my friends do for me. they don’t really have to fix the problem, they just need to help me clear my head about whatever crap I’ve gotten myself into. and I do get into a whole load of crap all the time. so no, just to be clear, the man I am married to is not my friend at all, he’s the type of person who gets mad at you when you’re completely freaked out about something bad someone did to you.)
So now I am thinking, maybe this is the year to make a big change. If I can muster the courage to just do what I think I should have done years ago. But I am so very afraid, because in the deep dark honest recesses of this stupid person is a stupid kind of want that rejects all reason. I am completely f*****.
So here’s to turning thirty and feeling fifteen. Uncertain, foolish as ever, and doomed if I don’t make it.
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Hi. I stumbled upon your blog while looking for information on the coding scheme.
I read through most of your blog posts and most of what you wrote I’ve felt at some time or another.
I agree with the “Best time”
And I believe that if you’re not happy, then you should get out. I’m a firm believer in that if you can support yourself financially, you have your friends and family, then there is no reason to stay in a relationship that doesn’t make you feel safe and loved. There’s no point to it, really.
Those are my thoughts. Hope you’ll work towards making yourself more happy. And Have a good 30th birthday
As much as I’d like to agree with Mie…. I don’t. There is a time for everything. When you were studying for a big test or exam at school, it wasn’t time to be happy and time to party… it was time to work and study… same with a relationship. Most are worthy of saving. Maybe this is your time to make things work. Nobody said it was going to be easy nor fun. So yes, if it’s really not “worth” it, then get out but…. work hard then work harder.
Happy Birthday, sweetie. I wish you the best.
I loved being 30… but then I turned 32, now thats another story