despair

none of it seems to be working.

i have been struggling with myself this year. i have tried to be silent when all i want to do is tear my hair out in frustration and scream until my voice disappears.

yoga is a good place. i can escape the world and dive into myself. but the more i discover about myself the scarier it gets. what if i go to far and not like what i see? if i keep practicing will i be able to learn to accept who i am regardless of what kind person i may be?

fights are shorter now, but they are often explosive and start because of some stupid reason. i am so tired. but sometimes i see this glimmer of what we once were to each other and i dare myself to hope.

he’s always mad about something everyday and he doesn’t see it. he does not notice how he yells at me or how he walks out on me in midsentence. there is a problem but he just doesn’t want to do anything about it. so i’ve been keeping quiet. i don’t say anything anymore because if i ask him to please not say bad words or give the bad sign to the other car in traffic, he will only get mad and say bad words all the way home. everyday when i ask him any question at all he answers me with an “i don’t know” and a shrug of the shoulders- that makes me so mad i want to stab myself to end my suffering.

i am not a patient person, but i have been waiting. in the back of my head i keep thinking about how it got this bad. i still get stupid nightmares about past hurt. the memory does not hurt as much but i hate when it comes up. maybe we’re not meant to be together because it’s too painful and sad and lonely and he’s far too angry with me over something i don’t know i did. or maybe he just hates me.

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