Tomorrow will define what June will be like. And I’m scared shitless. I got up at 6:30 this morning and everyone knows that’s not normal.

I just want to be able to breathe tomorrow and take it like a big girl. (by big girl I mean, dash to the car after all is said and done and start crying when no one’s looking..)

God I hope I make it.

…is also in me.

Here’s my want list:
1. blue star shoes
2. a dozen set of one year old boy clothes
3. building materials
4. twelve sets of engineering college school uniform
5. 400 complete school backpacks with notebooks, pens, crayons, paper and books
6. cotton shorts sized 30
7. a dozen each of brown, blue, black, gray and white socks
8. sized 29 denim pants
9. more underwear
10. leica m7
11. eastpack back pack in dark blue
12. sony ultra compact digital camera
13. the mushroom dress
14. leica ultra compact
15. airport express
16. more good wine
17. white linen
18. waterproof sneakers
19. black walking shoes
20. sized 36 denim pants
21. dark blue shirts
22. dark brown bikini
23. wristwatch
24. suunto batteries
25. samsung d880 with 2gb micro sd card
26. a perfect bag
27. vader hot air balloon
28. 3D capable PC
29. A3 color printer
30. car
31. van
32. welding machine
33. power tools
34. table forms

There I said it. I just felt like letting it all out. Now if only we can get paid already..then some of the things can be crossed out……

A cup of warm milk and four dark chocolate truffles dunked in it. Give it a stir and sip slooowly.

Swept the blues away like magic.

but is it fair to God that I call Him out when I’m in dire straights? I do thank Him, but I always feel it’s not enough.

Sometimes I don’t even know how I feel about the God up there. I get mad, I cry, I hate Him, I like Him. Who knows what the hormones will bring?

Sometimes I think He’s my outlet - someone to praise and blame as the moment suggests. I can’t even call myself Catholic for all the things I’ve done. Needless to say, I did a whack job trying to grow up so that now I don’t even know what I am to my God.

Does this mean I’m going to hell?

Coiling and uncoiling - but for the most part coiled too tightly it’s beginning to hurt. Half the time I’m not even conscious that I’ve wound myself up too tight until the muscles relax and I realize the pain.

It’s like a big ball of negativity waiting to explode. I’m not even sure if I’m going the right way. In the beginning it all seemed like the signs were pointing this way. Yet, here I am waiting in limbo. Unable to move forward (not until after the 12th anyway) and unable to stop doing what I am doing. What have I gotten myself into?

God, can you please make everything better?